Becoming a(n) (In)Dependent

In the military life, the active duty member (Jordan) is characterized as "the sponser", and his family members (me and our future children) are labeled as his "dependents."  Once we entered the active duty military lifestyle, I became dependent on Jordan for a lot of things in my life: where we would live, therefore where I could work, my health insurance coverage, as well as access to the general benefits and the amenities the military has to offer. And yes, while according to my government-issued ID, I may be his dependent, over the last few years I have found that the only way military spouses can mentally survive this lifestyle and it's unique challenges is by trying to become a strong independent.

Not only do spouses have to deal with time apart during deployments, I had no idea how much time apart we would spend apart during his training phase, from weeks in the field at TBS to many weekend cross-country flights in flight school. Even when Jordan is home, he is still gone, with 12 plus hour work days flying, only to come home to hours upon hours of solitary confinement, studying. Military spouses spend the majority of our time alone, and that's why becoming independent, finding our own interests, and keeping busy is so important. Although I have no problem filling my days with activities, friends, and household tasks,  I still find myself on a constant rollercoaster of emotions for another reason. Embracing the military lifestyle and finding my identity amongst the chaos and the life path it dictates, is still even now, a daily challenge.

It's a hard sensation to describe, especially when on paper it seems like life is so good. It is a sinking sensation that you wake up to each day, like you don't feel like you have a significant purpose to get out of bed for in your life anymore (however, I don't mean to worry you, when I read this back it sounded a little scary and could be interpreted in the wrong way). Each day just seems to pass like the last.  Hours, days, weeks, months go by, but you have nothing to show for the time elapsed, because you have stopped learning and growing as an individual. Life, and time,  just seems to just be passing you by. Instead of running alongside of life, gaining speed, passing milestones, you are stuck, and the world keeps spinning, and time keeps ticking. Some days are easier than others, some weeks and months easier than the last, but there are always days that are a little bit darker than the rest. It's an experience and set of emotions that I have found so many of my fellow military wives share and are constantly going through. We are all, always, on some point of this emotional spectrum, especially those whose husbands are also in flight school and who too, have not yet settled into a duty station.

Even though I do have a community who understands and shares my experience, I find myself comparing my hardship to theirs (although I know, and as Rick Warren pointed out in his sermon this week at Saddleback Church, comparing never comforts). I still find myself envious of those who have been in Florida for the past year and half, as only a small portion of pilots have had to move their families to Texas for the middle portion of their training. The majority of flight students spend their entire time training solely in Florida. In the past 2.5 years we have moved 4 times, and are gearing up for our 5th move in the next two months, therefore averaging about 6 months in each place.  Don't get me wrong, I have greatly appreciated the opportunity to see different parts of this country, meet new people, and experience different cultures, and I am so thankful for this blog which has captured all of our amazing adventures and good times along the way. However, trying to find myself and my career in the midst of all of this has been beyond overwhelming to say the least, and most days I find myself completely lost and overwhelmed about my own future as an individual and my own personal career.

Looking for jobs that will support and bolster my career and cultivate my own individual interests and personal goals has been an interesting experience. My time at Ethan Allen was a blessing; however, I realistically wouldn't have been hired for that position if there wasn't the possibility that we could have stayed in Texas for an additional year for training, which would have happened if Jordan had selected any of the other 3 flight platforms. Upon looking over a military spouses' resume, the first questions an employer asks, after clearly realizing the various locations of one's employment are from different states, are: "is your husband military?" "how long will you be living here?" When asked these questions by Ethan Allen, my response was that there was a 75% chance that I could be there for 2 years, which was technically only a slight exaggeration of the truth. I understand from a business perspective that it can be costly to have a high turnover rate of employees, and time-consuming to be training someone who will only be around for less than half a year. So on the flip-side, what do you do as a military spouse? Lie?  Or do you take positions that are okay with short-term employment? Although, even then, who really wants to hire someone who is going to be around for less than a year, and what kind of position could that possibly be for? Certainly not for a career-oriented, non-entry-level position!

I have discovered that I am not either of those people, the person that lies to get the position they want, which bolsters their career and goals, or the one that settles for an unfulfilling entry-level job that is below their education and experience level. This experience becomes increasingly more frustrating when not only do you not have what you want in this present moment for yourself, but furthermore, you don't have a solid plan for the future, or when you will even be able to make that plan, because you don't know where you will be 3 years from now, let alone  in 2- 6 months. It feels near impossible to even begin to plan, to be able to look into the future and know that once we reach this spot, this milestone, this location, this will be my plan and my career will finally be back on track. How does a "dependent" become an independent when one's life is so unpredictable?

Feeling so lost, so overwhelmed, and so directionless at times has left me empty, and disappointed in myself. There have been many times when Jordan has come home from a full-day of work to find me, still in my pajamas or, on good days, some form of work-out clothes, sitting amongst a messy house and half-done chores, with tears welling up in my eyes. There have been times when I have wondered if I was on the verge of  slipping into a depression. However, I am so thankful for my weekly girls nights to put things in perspective. When we sit around and get to talking, I realize that my fellow spouses have those same days, where tears just flow from nowhere just because their husband says hello and they realize the house is still a mess and not a lick of cleaning has been accomplished all day. Or those days where getting out of pajamas and into work-out clothes becomes an accomplishment for the day, and marathons of Law and Order:SVU or Sex and the City become a self-inflicted prison sentence to the couch for hours on end. Or most embarrassingly, when you all worry what your lives have come to, when days are counted by the increments of 29 mins and 59 seconds you have to wait to regain another "life" in the mindless iPhone game of Candy Crush Saga. Once we realize we in fact are not in need of a mental evaluation, or perhaps more accurately, that we are not alone in needing a mental evaluation, we allow ourselves to just laugh and laugh, as there really is no way to logically explain this phenomenon of the "flight school funnies." What's life without a healthy dose of crazy, anyway?

I know I have mentioned Rick Warren's sermon this past Sunday once already, and I may mention it a few more times before this post concludes, however  it really spoke to me this week. Rick Warren is doing a multiple week series on "Getting Through What You are Going Through" based on his personal struggle with the tragic death of his son and the steps of healing. Although his message was coming from an extremely different place of incredible pain and an extremely devastating and tragic personal story, his words spoke to me in a different way, in a way that I truly needed at this moment. He referenced Galations 6:2 "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." The Lord intends for us to share our sorrow, and He heals through community. I have realized that I am so blessed to have the incredible support system of these ladies, who share this sometimes hard-to-describe and relate-to experience.



Found this on pinterest, makes me laugh every time!

Despite being 2.5 years into our military life, I never felt overwhelmed or lost before. I have concluded that this may be attributed to the significance this year plays in my life in reference to various milestones. This year is my 10 year high school reunion, which also means 6 years from my college graduation,  and it has caused me to reflect back on these years and ask myself what do I have to show for them? What have I personally accomplished? This reflection has resulted in a sense of disappointment and, frankly, embarrassment I find in my own accomplishments (or lack there of), especially because I was blessed enough by the sacrifices of my parents to have had the opportunity to get my degree at an amazing (and very expensive) university. Right now it feels like the only thing I have to show for it is my diploma, which is sitting in a frame taking up space on a shelf, collecting dust, documenting years of dedication, hard work, and mocking me with a distant promise of great things to come. Sometimes I feel like I have been living the life of a 50's housewife while the rest of my peers in the civilian world have been thriving in the world of 2013. To add insult to injury, I turned 28 last week and that too hit me hard.  I just turned the age my mom was when she had me! My parents both had their careers established by this point, owned a home and were having a baby at my age, and I am still trying to figure out what I am supposed to be when I grow up!!!!! Even for those spouses who manage to morph their initial major and career of choice into something that is compatible with the ever-mobile lifestyle the military demands, they cannot deny that their career isn't exactly what they had envisioned before the military was in the picture. At the end of the day, a spouses' career will always come second and be dependent upon the city and state their husband's career will take them, and the duration of time it allows them to stay.

The majority of our blog has focused on the milestones of Jordan's career, our moving adventures and the exploration of the various states where we have lived; however, it wasn't a complete picture of OUR military experience, albeit it did document the very best parts of it. I debated about writing this blog and sharing this personal side of things, as I have only really shared it with my military family, who of course lives it first hand too, and with my mom on a few, but still limited occasions. However, although it is so personal, it's very real, and it is what a LOT of us spouses go through.  Jordan attributes it to the fact that I surround myself with like-minded individuals. That many of my friends, like me, are go-getters and hard-workers, girls that always prided themselves on doing well, going far, and measuring their accomplishments by the successes they achieved in school/college growing up. And perhaps that's true, but whether a spouse has their bachelor's, master's or simply a high school diploma, whether they are trying to find a career, or perhaps just their own personal identity, it is all the same. We are all living a life that, at the end of the day, is dependent upon and dominated by decisions that revolve around the progression of our husband's career, and it's something all spouses, on some level, experience. It can be hard to open up this side of our life and our experience, because not only do we feel somewhat overwhelmed and depressed at times, but we also feel alone in these emotions because there is a sense of guilt in feeling this way or venting about these emotions to others. How can you share or complain, when one knows she is so blessed in so many ways and feels so happy in so many parts of her life, and yet so sad and depressed at the same time? Especially when you know life could be so much worse, and is for so many people.

Whenever I start to get overwhelmed by this ever-present and increasingly nagging emotion, I know I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps (or the laces of my running shoes), and attempt to change my perspective. I know in my heart that where I am right now, is right where I am supposed to be. That these 2.5 years of career limbo do not matter in the end, because I am supporting my husband (and as Jordan insists on adding in, the country in my own way), and this is where I need to be. Keeping a clean house (or at least attempting to), making sure flight suits and cami's are always clean, and ensuring my husband has nutritious paleo meals of extremely large quantities at his beck and call may be simple and mundane tasks, but it makes his life easier and leaves him to fully concentrate on being the best he can be in flight school, and therefore, the best pilot he can be for the Marine Corps.

In yoga, our instructor often reads from the book, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, and one passage recently really spoke to my heart, and I couldn't be more thankful enough for it's perfectly timed message about being "In-Between." The passage goes into more depth, but I have included the parts that speak most strongly to this situation:

"Sometimes to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between [...] to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them. [...] We may feel empty and lost for a time, we my feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush [..] we may have many feelings going on when we're in-between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in-between place. We need to accept them, feel them, release them.

Being in-between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in-between place. It's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination. We are moving forward, even when we're in-between. "

Each of the daily meditations in the book end with a positive affirmation and I have found myself reaching for this affirmation often on those hard days when I feel myself slipping back into that place of negative energy and disappointment, "Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good."


 Jordan and I have found ourselves living a more zen/hippie life, at least I am sure that's what it looks like from the outside, but for us it is more of a "spiritual awakening," I guess you would say. I have always had religion in my life, but lately Jordan and I have really felt and lived spirituality in our daily lives, and not just for an hour on Sunday. It is so interesting how certain things in your life come together at the same time to complement each other and build something beautiful out of seemingly disparate influences. Some may call this coincidence, but Jordan and I both believe it's something stronger. I had a teacher in high school, who we all affectionately called "Doc," who would say, there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences. Jordan chooses to use the word "frequencies" from his recent interest in Abraham Hicks and the Law of Attraction. Basically, in his interpretation, certain people and things come in to your life at a certain time because you are exhibiting the same vibrational frequency and are therefore attracting them to your life. Did I lose you yet? I may not totally be on board with actual vibrations being sent out into the atmosphere, but I like the idea of being on the same frequency. Perhaps, in the most basic way, that if you are feeling a certain way or have a particular mindset, you will be open to, and see similar and complementary things around you, more so than if it wasn't in the fore-front of your mind. So call it what you want, coincidence, vibrational frequencies, or divine intervention, but Jordan and my's "spiritual awakening" came to us through a variety of influences:

1. Jordan's interest and study of the Abraham Hick's Law of Attraction
2. My newfound love of Yoga, and the meditations and readings of Melody Beattie that I was introduced to through my Yoga instructor
3. My parent's discovery and love for Saddleback Church, which has now become something Jordan and I watch from an online Campus every weekend as well
4. St. Ann's Catholic Church on Gulf Breeze, which is a 45 minute drive for us, but has a contemporary Catholic Mass on Sundays at 11am that inspires us and reaches us like no traditional Catholic service ever has
5. Jordan and my newfound interest in the teachings of Buddhism and those of Ghandi, as a byproduct of our ever-growing interest in yoga
6. Various books such as The Little Book of Contenment and The Power of Now

Some of these may seem contradictory: Buddhism, Catholicism, Law of Attraction? Don't worry dad, I am not going to turn into a Buddhist. However, from all of these things, what has come together for us is the daily appreciation of life. It sounds so simple right? But in a world dominated by technology and constantly connected by smartphones, learning to be fully present in every single moment is a challenge. We are trying to find the focus and the beauty of every single moment and of our surroundings, and in every situation, both good and bad, we are finding gratitude for it. We try to start each day with 15 minutes of journaling, an exercise based on another book by Melody Beattie, Making Miracles in 40 Days, of what we are thankful for. It is so AWEsome when you discover that the more gratitude you have in your life, the more God seems to give you to be grateful for. Starting our days like this opens our eyes to seeing all the blessings in our surroundings and experiences, like little beautiful surprises planted along our day to smile at and bring us joy.  It may sounds so elementary writing down what you are thankful for, and maybe some of you are thinking okay, they have really lost it now, but for some reason this little task seems to unlock and create even more blessings to be grateful for throughout the day, perhaps simply because we are seeing everything through positive-colored glasses.


So in this light, I say thank you. Some days I may have to repeat it a few times until I really mean it. But I thank God, life, and the universe, for everyone and everything that enters into my day . I thank this process for allowing me to turn negative energy into positive energy, especially on the most challenging of days, and the idea of gratitude in general, which truly unlocks more beauty and blessings in daily life.

I will wrap this up with one last reference to Rick Warren's sermon last week and Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." We are all going to experience the rollercoaster of emotions that come with life, and my fellow wives and I will always be facing the unpredictability and unique challenges of the military lifestyle again and again. However, we know that there can't be highs without lows, or peaks without valleys, and it is in the valleys that we grow the most spiritually, and therefore, we can find a way to be grateful for even these experiences!

I didn't intend to ramble for so long on this blog, and I did not share this side of our experience for sympathy or accolades for my sacrifice, or anything of that sort, but instead to create a fuller picture of our life and the military experience many of us wives share. I am not alone in this experience, and I am so thankful for my fellow spouses who I am blessed to count as some of my closest friends, who too are trying everyday with me, to learn to go His way, and not necessarily our way, and what we had envisioned previously for our career, school plans etc. The best thing we as "dependents" can do for our husbands is to be strong independents in our faith, who know and take pride in our value, even when we find ourselves in these "in-between" places. I am incredibly grateful that there are other military spouses out there that are so spiritual, so positive, and open, as we all support each other in learning to love and trust what the Lord has laid out for us in this shared military experience!


Hope you all have a wonderful week!  God bless , GOOD VIBRATIONS, and ...